You Know That Ceremony with the Dress & Flowers & Preacher? That was called MY WEDDING

What is with that ex you can never seem to shake? You know the type.
The Wants-to-Stay-Friends ex. The one who invites himself to your
wedding. The one that comes around every six months to check in, tell
you how awesome their life is and imply that your life really sucks
(which they obviously know because of their amazing psychic abilities
as opposed to any actual contact they’ve had with you during the last
six months). Just when you think, "Hmm haven’t heard from X lately,
maybe that’s the end of it" there he is, standing right in your very
office (who lets him in?), asking you to lunch. Would it kill the guy
to ask reception to let you know he’s there?

As usual, I was
unable to think of an excuse that was better than "uhhhhhh" so I
sucummbed to the lunch and I am now pondering what the purpose of this
cyclical drama is.

The conversation generally starts with some
small talk. The time before this it started with him telling me how
sorry he was that I had miscarried over six months ago, the
whole time wearing a huge "I just walked out of a toothpaste ad" smile.
Yes, I am really getting how sorry you are when you wait 6 months to
say something and then giggle when you finally do.

After small
talk we arrive at The School Discussion, wherein X tells me how awesome
he is because he’s still working on his Human Resource programs at
night and how I am doing myself such a huge disservice by continuing to
be a university drop-out. Don’t I know that I’m limiting myself?

School Discussion eventually peters out and we
arrive at What a Shitty Couple We Were. This part of the lunch is
devoted to X wondering why we wasted so much time together (that’s what
couples do), why I couldn’t socialize at the parties he dragged
me around to and instead just sat in the corner with whatever dog
happened to be there (it’s called low self-esteem, check into it – besides that was like 8 years ago) and why I am so stupid for having a
few very close friends who are always there for me and why he is so
smart for having millions of superficial friends who are rarely there
for him (maybe there is a correlation between that and finding yourself in my office every 6 months?). This part of the conversation is mutable and comes in many
variations, but the general gist X likes to get across is, "Hey, I
never really liked you that much, so stop thinking I did". Obviously.
That’s obviously why you spent 2 1/2 years with me.

You know what X? We WERE a shitty couple! Certainly by the end we were. THAT IS WHY I’M MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE NOW!!!!!!!

I think you’re a very sad person that you have to diminish our relationship in your mind to feel
good. We had our problems and I think you’re a bit of a goof, but you really need to let it go my friend.

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