When I opened the computer, I was going to write a fake post about how ripping mad I am at Ingrid because we just watched one the silliest movies ever filmed and how I left her car with enough of her dog, Shiraz’s, hair on the ass of my nice coat to knit a sweater from. I don’t care if I see a stupid movie when I’m out, or about dog hair on my coat, so it was all going to be bullshit, but she practically challenged me to do it and I will do almost anything for a challenge so I really kind of wanted to, just so I could find out if in the morning she’d say, "WTF is your problem, writing that shit, you biatch?" or if she’d say, "Oh well, I told Gab you were probably going to say that."
But now we’ll never know, because earlier this evening I had become obsessed with the idea of whitening my teeth and I couldn’t wait to stick those little peroxide strips on the second I walked into my apartment. Well, stick them on I did and now it is the ONLY thing I can think about. Oh my fucking GOD. Have you ever done this? This is the most excruciating experience of my life, I swear. Ugh, it is so unnatural to have your teeth all wrapped up. I can’t stop touching my tongue on the strips. My lips feel terrible. I think I am going to throw up!
Oh my god, so I figured it had been about 15 to 20 minutes since I put these things on but I just checked the timer and it’s been five minutes only. Five! The box, very cheerily, says, "It will take just 14 days to complete your kit!"
It feels like 14 days already!