It’s August, and starting next week, I am going to find myself with an excess of time and energy that needs to be channelled into endeavours unrelated to The Egyptian (who will be participating in Ramadan) for 30 days. I happened to be idly wondering what I was going to do with myself when my friend slyly sent me a link to a fitness boot camp she wanted to attend and I agreed to do it. Boot camps are entirely against my morals (this probably goes back to my childhood track and field days where I was always the slow kid who got the yellow “Participant” ribbon) but let’s face it, my booty could use a little work.
If you’ve ever wanted to sign up for a boot camp, but were worried about what it entailed, fear not! I will tell you.
It started with a weigh-in and measurements. Then there was a “warm-up” consisting of running to and from a pole that wasn’t too far (but far enough), then skipping to the pole, and then running to the pole again. After that, we did a “fitness test” of push-ups, crunches, triceps dips, jumping jacks and sprints.
Apparently we then began the “real workout”. I can’t remember everything we did in the “real workout” because at some point my brain stopped trying to comprehend this bizarre behaviour and flicked itself off. There were two variations of squats, two variations of ab exercises, a couple of arm things, the (dreaded) burpees*, a little relay race that involved running to a designated spot and jumping up and down (remember when you were a kid and jumping was big time fun and not torture?) … I dunno, some other stuff … I think.
I was pretty worried about getting through the “real workout” because while we were still performing pushups during the “fitness test”, sweat began to drip from some location on my head to splat inside my glasses. Eventually I gave up and took them off entirely. This leant the extra thrill of potential death to the sprints we had to run between pylons. It’s always very exciting when you know there is a rapidly approaching dip in the ground but you cannot actually see where. Everyone was sweating like dirty beasts. My friend reports that at one point during the “real workout” she looked at me and saw a droplet of sweat just hanging off the end of my hair, as if my hair itself were sweating. I would not be surprised if it was. Despite all this, I was juiced to learn I am quite a bit tougher than I had imagined.
When it’s finally over, everyone stands in a circle and does a cheer. As far as I can tell, the purpose of the cheer is to erase your memory of the events that took place in the preceding hour thus ensuring you return for the next class.
At the end, one lady quit the program (she had perhaps had an innoculation against The Cheer).
There you have it. If you’re insane, sign up!
*If you don’t know what a burpee is, it is a terrible, terrible exercise invented by a masochist. You bend down and put your hands on the ground, jump backward into a plank, jump your feet back in, then jump straight up – now, repeat a million times. I recently told The Egyptian that if burpees were what it was going to take for me to lose my last 15 pounds then I would rather just hang onto those 15 pounds. I simply do not care about losing 15 pounds enough to do burpees, I said. So obviously, I am now paying someone to make me do burpees.