One day while bobbing in the ocean, Debra and I had a serious conversation about whether or not I should get another pet, and if so, what that pet should be.
“What about birds?” I asked.
“Oh my God. You should get a parrot!” Debra said.
I was thinking more like a pair of canaries. I had budgies when I was a kid and they were awful. So noisy! We constantly had to cover their cage so they’d think it was time to go to sleep. I don’t know how we came to have these budgies or what happened to them but I remember that these budgies loved the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers duet, “Islands in the Stream.” This was a record that played prominently in my childhood, and they sang their fool heads off whenever that song came on. Canaries have a prettier singing voice.
“Okay, but can you teach canaries to talk?”
True. It would be awesome to have a bird that talked. But let’s get real, the only thing a parrot of mine is going to learn to say is, “What the fuck?” On the other hand, I would be a lot more inclined to dress up like a pirate. And that would be pretty great.
I am also a big fan of the Flemish Giant. I’ve been obsessed with these things since before Martha Stewart went to jail. She used to have this vet come on her show and he usually brought with him a giant rabbit called Harvey. I don’t worship Martha as much as I did back then but I still kind of have the hots for her. I might as well just get a chow-chow and some chickens that lay blue eggs and call it a day.
Cuban dogs with lame back legs notwithstanding, I’m not really up for a canine. You can’t cuddle a fish. And aside from the Flemish Giant, most rodents are too rodent-y. (Guinea pigs, blech).
Of course it will be a cat if it’s anything. All I’m saying is, a hook hand simply doesn’t go as well with a feline.