5 Years

I opened my eyes and the significance of the date immediately ran to the forefront of my brain. That was weird. I don’t think I’ve actually ever registered this date. I usually think about this stuff the last week of May, when I left my house to stay at Fab and Di’s, or June 1st, when I got the keys to my apartment. Last year, I didn’t think of it at all until it was long past. But there it was this morning, April Fool’s Day, 2012 – five years since my ex-husband called it a day. Yes, it has always seemed rather poignant that my marriage exploded on April Fool’s Day.

I don’t have much to say about this. I would have preferred, on this anniversary, that the weather be triumphantly sunny. But nature didn’t have any poetic turns for me today. Instead, it was cold and rainy. I think I heard some hail driving at the windows.

The rain put me in a bad mood. My apartment was freezing. I thought, Oh, I suppose I should write about how I’ve forgiven him. Well, fuck that. I sank into a pit thinking about how one should forgive people, even if they don’t deserve it, because it releases the forgiver and all that.

Well, fuck that, indeed. I’m not going to write about that, because I haven’t, and I won’t. I think, when someone has acted very badly, they must do something to merit being forgiven. That’s not going to happen, so it’s not going to happen. But what I can do, I decided while wallowing in the pit, is say thanks. Thanks for leaving.

Without divorce, I would not be who I am now. Divorce strengthened my existing relationships. Divorce opened the doors for me to meet the people who are now so important to me – Bryony, Lizz, The Egyptian. Even people who came and went during the last five years – helping me define myself and figure out what I stand for – without divorce, they would not have existed. I wouldn’t have picked up my old teenage habit of writing to play with again. And a lot of other things, too.

Without divorce, I wouldn’t be able to stand on this soapbox and shout: The cliche is true, you guys! Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me!

There are some things that I wish for myself that aren’t mine yet, sure. Like someone who is really into the concept of making a life with me. Maybe a kid. But there’s no need to be maudlin. I have what I need. A roof, a full belly, a job that affords me the luxury of being able to ask myself, “Should I buy the Original Ray-Ban Wayfarers, or the New Wayfarer model?” I have good family and good friends who are also family. I have a funny, well-fed orange cat.

And that’s good. It’s great! So, thanks.

5 thoughts on “5 Years

  1. Someone posted on Facebook, the other day, an image that said:

    “Taking back your ex is like having a yard sale and buying back your crap”

    I thought you might enjoy that! I agree with the cliche – it’s been the best thing that has happened for me too. I’m trying to forgive the two who were the cause of my marriage ending but not for THEIR sake, for my own.

    1. I do like that, Steph! There’s also an Oscar Wilde quote that I love: “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.”

      I’m glad you’re feeling better and I admire you for trying to forgive them. Hopefully I’ll get there, but I’m not there yet. You’ll be my inspiration. xoxo

  2. I have yet to forgive my ex husband. But I have forgiven myself. And that I think, is the more important of the two. At least that’s what my well paid therapist told me. 🙂

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