You might be a hipster if …

Recently, over a dinner, it came to my attention that I might be a super-pretentious hipster. Notwithstanding that we were eating in a hipster joint, I was all: it is both impossible and preposterous that I am a hipster (a case could be made for me being super-pretentious, let’s be honest).

“WTF, I AM NOT A HIPSTER,” (it was pretty loud in the bar) I complained the following week to Bryony over after-work drinks.

“Listen, Leslie. You need to get over this hipster thing. You are a freelance writer.* You are on Twitter. You are wearing a fucking leather bird brooch** on your cardigan right now,” Bryony said. “YOU ARE A HIPSTER.”  To prove her point, I was also wearing Converse All-Stars at the time.

Motherfucker. Could this be? Dudes, I am in the middle of a full-on existential crisis here. Since the dinner, two weeks ago now, I continue to express my disbelief to my friends, the vast majority of whom*** are shocked that I am unaware of my hipster status. A representative selection of reaction follows.

Lisa: I’m pretty sure if you’re the kind of person who actually likes Stuff White People Like, you’re a hipster. [What? Debra gave me that book!!] She gave it to you because you’re a hipster … You know, you’re pretty into fruit-picking.

Missy, in an e-mail: Um, if you keep this up with your ironic jellied salads and time-share gardening and what not, I’m going to have to start a Jeff Foxworthy-inspired blog – “You might be a hipster if…” This probably already exists, I’m just too lazy to Google and find out, but you get my point.

Leeanne: I bet you have original Tupperware. And you didn’t happen to just acquire it. You actually sought some of it out. You have a vintage teacup collection. For God’s sake, look at your watch! Look at the FONT on your watch! Leslie, this has been going on for a long time. I clearly remember waaaaay back when you were married, you wanted to make curtains out of pirate print fabric. [Note: I think it was cowgirl print, but, either way …] In this day and age, who redoes their couch in blue brocade? I mean, I could go on.

Egad, it doesn’t look good. Worse, to this already essentially insurmountable mountain of evidence I can add all of this questionable behaviour:

  • Tina wanted to do something this weekend and I suggested, hey, let’s go to a craft beer tasting. At the Brick Works.
  • I intend to enter some knitting in a fall fair. Plus my knitting habit, in general.
  • I rode a fixie in Ottawa, and I really liked it.
  • My jam-making obsession. Especially making jam from residential fruit.
  • That typewriter I bought.
  • I have a wooden clock shaped like Texas.****
  • My attendance at farmer’s markets.
  • What do I covet most in this world right now? A ceramic fish that looks exactly like taxidermy. Obviously.
  • If I still wore glasses, I would totally get a pair of those huge throw-back glasses that are in now. Or, who am I kidding, a vintage pair, from Etsy.
  • I’m too cheap and lazy to upgrade my tech, so I now use my 3rd gen iPod Nano “ironically”.
  • Something tells me this whole “natural hair” thing is a hipster move.
  • Let’s not even get into how much I love Miranda July and Anthropologie.
  • Halfway through the writing of this post, I went for a walk on the St. Clair Disaster to get some Mexican take-out. To kill time while El Rincon got my burrito together, I went to the Salvation Army thrift store next door. Clearly, I left with a ’70s enamelware fondue pot. [Leeanne, via text: You need an intervention.]
  • Actually referring to my neighbourhood as the “St. Clair Disaster”.

Like Leeanne, I could go on. By contrast, the list to prove I’m not a hipster is pathetically small. I mean, I hate skinny jeans, you guys. I really, really hate them. I’m pretty intolerant of vegans, and I think almond milk is stupid. But that’s about all I’ve got. You be the judge.

___________

* I think it’s weird that people refer to me this way, but ok.
** Hand-crafted by House of Hsueh!
*** The only person I broached this subject with who didn’t believe I was a hipster was Debra, forcing me to conclude that I have somehow closeted my hipster tendencies around one of my very best friends.
**** Inherited from my great grandmother.

5 thoughts on “You might be a hipster if …

  1. When I first started reading this I thought I would leave a comment along the lines of “No way! You’re just cool!” But I have to say you lay out a lot of compelling evidence here.

    P.S. Vanilla almond milk is pretty good on cereal.

  2. “Hipster” is such a bad word and brings out hysteria in an accused (I can relate – I have glasses that definitely don’t apologize for being glasses!). All of the stuff you listed above are what makes you unique and fun. How can you be pigeonholed by being unique? I agree that hipsters seem to go out of their way to be ‘unique’ but only by being entirely ironic. That the is crux of hipsterdom: irony. Which is pretty sad when your entire raison d’etre is parody and smugness. If you are earnest and honest and (mostly) un-ironic, then I would say you are not a hipster. You celebrate all the things listed in your article; you don’t deride or ridicule them…

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