Beavers: Deadly Menace to Society

Okay, everybody knows that beavers are busy, but did you know that they are also devilish killing machines? Do NOT be fooled by their adorable little faces, their excellent work ethic or the delightful pastries named after their awesome tails. Beavers may look cute, but they are evil assassins: see the evidence set out below. Sure, most of the humans involved in these attacks did not actually die, but believe me, that is not what the beaver intended.

Beaver
A beaver waits patiently for its next kill at the BioDome in Montreal, July 2014.

July 2014:
Rogue beaver blamed for tree falling on Quebec family’s SUV in Prince Edward Island

June 2014:
Beaver attacks man near Rochester: ‘It was like watching a horror film’

July 2013:
Swede bloodied in surprise beaver attack

May 2013:
Beaver kills man trying to pose for photo

September 2012:
Beaver attacks 83-year-old female swimmer in Fairfax County

September 2012:
Rabid beaver chases children in Fairfax; 2nd attack in a week

July 2012:
2 girls injured after beaver attack in Spotsylvania County lake

April 2012:
Scouts stone rabid beaver to death after attack

June 2011:
“Bizarre” rabid beaver attacks 3 in Philly park

See also:

 

*This post is for Joolie and my parents, who I am indebted to for tipping me off to the secret, dark nature of our national animal.

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