Applications Wanted

Role: Leslie’s Boyfriend/Girlfriend*

Position Location: Toronto

Primary Job Responsibilities: The Boyfriend/Girlfriend will be primarily responsible for hanging out with me on weekends and during vacation periods. This includes chilling at home or around the city, cooking together and planning and executing fun trips. Successful candidates will have an enthusiastic attitude about potentially being written about. I am looking for a partner who understands that the creative process is sometimes messy and other times looks like just dicking around/staring at the internet/napping.

Job Requirements: Leslie is an up and coming communications professional. Studying full-time during the day at Ryerson University and working full-time at a law firm in the evening, Leslie doesn’t have a lot of time to fuck around. Having recently decided that the dating process is a total waste of time, she has decided to streamline the process by instead soliciting applications. You will be someone who doesn’t waste her very limited free time, combining excellence in conversation with a deep understanding of today’s news and cultural stories. You can successfully handle figuring out what restaurant or bar to go to because while Leslie likes eating and drinking, she really doesn’t care where it happens. We have a fun, unique, and engaging culture in our Domino-inspired apartment located in mid-town.

To qualify for this position, you:

  • Must be no more than 16 years older than me. Older candidates may be considered if you are bringing some serious coin to the relationship. I’m 40, so use your judgment with respect to the lower end of the age range.
  • Live in Canada. Seriously, this cannot be stressed enough. Ontario applicants must live in Toronto (an exception may be made if you live in Ottawa – everyone knows how I feel about our Nation’s Capital).  Please note: the GTA is not Toronto. Yes, you must live either very close, or far. Kinda near is not gonna do it, sorry.
  • Dig cooking, since you are going to be barefoot and in the kitchen on the reg.
  • Pick up after yourself.
  • Are pro cat.
  • Are kind. And not, “I’m a nice guy” but actually kind.
  • Like your own space but will push me out of my comfort zone.
  • Enjoy talking about ideas.
  • Like to try new things.
  • Get really excited thinking about how to deal with all the wires in my living room and are proactive about implementing the solution, ideally without talking to me about it.
  • Have a strong positive attitude and ability to quickly build tight-knit relationships.
  • Can challenge and negotiate with partners where required while maintaining positive relationships.
  • Understand that we might hold different religious/cultural beliefs regarding our diet and both, not just yours, can co-exist within the same household.
  • Have had a serious long-term relationship and have spent some time unpacking why it didn’t work out.
  • Are probably not a litigator or a writer, but your case will be considered.
  • Already have kids or aren’t interested in having any. Biologically, that ship has probably sailed and, at any rate, I just started an undergrad degree that will consume the next four years of my life and I’m not pausing to procreate. For planning purposes, also assume that I will do a graduate degree.

Chokers and feeders need not apply. Submit your application to the email address in the footer of this website. Only qualified candidates will be contacted.

* Any employer life partner worth their salt knows that gender-based discrimination a violation of equality rights under section 15 of the Charter.

Respect to the friends who suggested qualifications for the list. 

3 thoughts on “Applications Wanted

  1. How long will this position be posted? Is this a FedEx at Christmas type of position where just bodies are needed – any warm bodies to fill the slot now, or is this like a nuclear physicist type position, where you definitely need the right qualifications to even get through the door, before beginning multiple interviews? Also, what is the pay scale?

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